#511

• What illness are you suffering from if you keep seeing cartoon animals who talk?
• Disney spells.

#512

• What do you call a fruit that stays up very late to study for tests?
• A cramberry.

#513

• What do hard-working grocery store clerks get every year?
• A celery increase.

#514

• What style of art was preferred by the Third Reich?
• Post-Imprussianist.

#515

• Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women?
• He wanted a Czech mate.

#516

• Have you heard the joke about the bed?
• No.
• It hasn't been made up yet!

#517

Murphy's wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on every day. By Friday he couldn't get his boots on.

#518

A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.

"But why?" protested the hapless young man.

"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."

#519

• Did you hear about the fish that went deaf?
• He had to buy a herring-aid.

#520

I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have been lying low.