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Really Bad Jokes

Compiled By Samuel Stoddard

If you're a masochist, read them. If you're a sadist, tell them. This archive of the worst jokes in the world has something for everybody. Read it and weep. Literally. Then get back at me by emailing me your bad jokes. (See below.) It's a vicious circle. Let us groan together.

Latest Additions: 4/7/11


  • What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
  • If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.


  • What did the fisherman say to the card magician?
  • Pick a cod, any cod!


  • What's stucco?
  • What happens when you step in bubblegummo.



She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.



A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.


  • What's the Internet's favorite animal?
  • The lynx.



In 1957, several cities were vying to host the 1964 Winter Olympics. Candidates had been eliminated to the point where the only two left were Singapore and Nevers, France. The French venue had an obvious advantage for the games, but the Singaporeans were eager to host the games in their country, so they developed a snow-making machine. Because of technical glitches, the machine produced snow only part of the time. The rest of the time it produced steam, and you can't ski on steam. So they made a last-ditch effort to perfect the machine, knowing that the deadline for a decision from the committee was nigh. To bring moral support and entertainment to the workers, they brought in Elvis Presley, who mounted the stage and said, "Well, today's the day your machine must produce snow. If it belches out steam, the games will go to France. So this is it. It's snow, or Nevers."


  • What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
  • Kara-tea.


  • What caused the airline to go bankrupt?
  • Runway inflation.


  • What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
  • Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!


  • Where do Floridians wash their clothes?
  • In Fort Launderdale.



"A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."


  • What's a frog's favorite drink?
  • Croaka Cola.


  • What bone will a dog never eat?
  • A trombone.


  • What does a wicked chicken lay?
  • Deviled eggs.


  • Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
  • A barber.


  • What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him?
  • Get bent!



During its heyday the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination.

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!"

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked.

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex."

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."


  • Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
  • It was in tents.



A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."