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Really Bad Jokes

Page 22


  • What did the alien say to the gardener?
  • Take me to your weeder.


Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in a huge fish. But as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook the hook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crown and brandishing a three-pronged spear.

"Who are you, sir?" quavered one of the fishermen.

"I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you! Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks -- nay, make that a dozen and a half, for good measure!"

With a nasty laugh, Neptune dived over the side and disappeared. The fishermen's boat got so many holes they had to swim ashore, and from that day to this, they have never forgotten Neptune's eighteen hole gulf curse.


  • What do you call dirt?
  • Dirty.


  • Where did the Martian put his teacup?
  • On his flying saucer.


  • What do you call a cute little animal you keep in your automobile?
  • A carpet.


  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
  • An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.


  • What do you say to an alien with two heads?
  • Hello. Hello.


A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar. The sibyl said, "There's going to be this big flood, and it's going to be terrible." And the haruspex was looking at this dead animal, and he said, "Yeah, it's going to rain hard and wipe everything out, and it's going to do all kinds of damage." And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"


Down in Virginia, the prosecutors brag they could get a grand jury to bring a ham sandwich to trial. In fact, just last week, a banana was actually convicted of murder. It was overturned on appeal.


  • When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
  • There are more ducks on that side.