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I Think

Page 8


I locked my keys in my car. It cost me $45 to get a locksmith to come open the thing up, and it took about three seconds. I think I'm going to become a locksmith. I'll hang out in parking lots with my cell phone, pick the keys out of people's pockets, and wait for them to call me up.


I think I'm going to start a band just so I can name it.


I think James Cameron and Leonardo di Caprio have taught me a valuable lesson. If I realized all I had to do to become royalty was face the wind, spread my arms, and say so, I'd have done it long ago.


When I become a millionaire and start my own suite of companies, I think I'm going to name each one "Something-O-Rama." "Bookstore" might not be a very exciting name for a bookstore, but you add "-O-Rama" to it and suddenly it becomes Exciting Fantastic World of Books Resort Complex. Even something like "Spittle-O-Rama" doesn't sound wholly unappealing.


For the longest time, people have been saying you need to eat some foods from each of the "Four Food Groups" to stay healthy. You eat a little meat, a little dairy, a little wheat, and a few vegetables, and you're all set. Ha. Corndogs, cheese, cake, and french fries aren't going to get you anywhere. I ought to know. There's a very good reason this type of diet is not healthy. Those foods are all yellow. Don't get me wrong. I believe in the "food group" philosophy of dieting, but they mucked up the classification scheme. Foods should be sorted by color, not origin. The real four food groups are this: the "warm color" food group, the "cold color" food group, the "no color" food group, and the "alkaline earth" food group. I think if you eat foods from each of these food groups, you'll be as chipper as a chickadee. For warm color foods, try tomatoes, tangerines, or summer squash. For cold color foods, have broccoli, cabbage, or a plum. For no color foods, eat mashed potatoes, black olives, or drink milk. For alkaline earth foods, chow down on chicken, sirloin steak, or wheat bread. You can't go wrong.


I think I'm going to open a shoe store. All shoes would cost an arm and a leg. Then I'd only have to sell one shoe at a time, thereby doubling my already enormous profit margins.


In elementary school, we used to have to cover our school books with ripped up paper bags, presumably because our teachers were under the misconception that paper bags would protect books from the rigors elementary school students put them through. It was a big waste of time. Paper bags are useful for storing things and carrying things around. School books are useful for learning worthless information nobody will ever use outside of school. I think it would be better to protect paper bags with ripped up school books.


The only reason I want to be a writer is so I can have an AGENT. Then I could to go parties and say things like, "Excuse me. I have to call my AGENT," and "I'm sorry. That was my AGENT." I would visit my neighbors for the express purpose of saying to them, "Oh, may I use your phone? I have to call my AGENT." What other reason is there for being a writer, actor, or athlete? In fact, I wouldn't ever write anything. I'd just tell an agent, "I'll periodically send you checks if you let me call you my AGENT." Actually, I think I'll become an agent. I'll represent only myself, and then I'll be able to submit to publishing houses who don't accept unagented manuscripts.


These days, many drug stores and department stores have something called "Power Assisted Doors." Why are power assisted doors harder to push open than, as far as I can tell, any other door in existence today? Isn't the point of power assistance to make it easier to do things? Are cars with power assisted steering harder to drive? Congress isn't the only professional body that needs a thorough cleansing. I think door manufacturers should be replaced, too.


I'm reading a book called Thesaurus, by Peter Mark Roget. I'm up to Chapter 427, entitled Semitransparency. It's a good story, but I think the author is a bit of a show off with his vocabulary.