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Page 12


I think we should pronounce silent letters and not pronounce letters that aren't.     g                                                                   h  e                                                           e               p                    i                                                            i  e  f                                                  g                                                                          a                                 w                                 o   e                                             e    m 


When a predator attacks a starfish, often what the starfish will do is purposefully detach one of its limbs and swim away, in the hopes that the predator will go after the severed limb instead of the rest of it. Why can't people do that? I think it would be awesome if we could. Like, this thug would be chasing you down a dark alley in New York City. Instead of getting beat up, you'd take your arm and fling it over somewhere.


The average duck diet must be the pretty sorry if they get all excited and competitive over soggy bread. I think it would be downright terrifying to see what they'd do over a fresh chocolate mousse. This leads me to my next billion dollar business idea: a restaurant for ducks. I could serve them barbequed pork ribs, shrimp hollandaise, chicken caesar salad, and all kinds of other scrumptious dishes, all at reasonable prices. There wouldn't be any competition; they'd be standing in lines miles long to make reservations. Every duck in the world times fifteen bucks a plate is...well, a whole lot of money. I hate non sequiturs.


Insurance companies must love those yellow tabby things they put down on newly paved roads to mark where the double yellow line will eventually be painted. Heck, I think the insurance companies are behind it all. Does anybody not try to swerve and run them over?


I don't know what to make of the crowds of teenagers and twentysomethings that stand around each other and boast about all the bad things they've done. "Huh huh, I saw this guy drop a twenty, and I took it." "Huh huh, well I drank fourteen cases of beer last night and threw up on the sofa." Next time I see a gang of these people doing that, I think I'll go up to them and say, "I killed four children this morning." If they don't run away, I will.


I'm going to get a fishing boat and make my living digging up lobsters and crabs and stuff. The neat thing about that is a bunch of us fishermen could get together and agree to slack off, then return to our buyers and say, sorrowfully, that "the pickings are slim this year," and sell what little we caught for a ton of money. These people have got to be doing this already. The price fluctuations are so huge, restaurants have to put "daily" in the price column next to the clam chowder. Then one guy goes out and decides to spend the day catching actual seafood, and the price goes back down. It begs the question. How do butter prices stay reasonable? I would think butter would be the absolute hardest thing to catch in a net.


There's no support out there in this harsh world. You get a little money, and society expects you to go out and buy stuff on your own. I think we should instantiate self-help programs and support groups for new consumers, to help them adjust. You buy a music box -- the company that made it ought to include, as part of the charge, an invitation to a free reception, during which important music box tips would be discussed. Free refreshments, of course. "Hi, my name is Snook Draddots, and I'm a new music box owner."


The United States may have among the best health care in the world, but like everyone else, I think it stinks to the core, and we need to improve health care in this country or our fine nation will crumple up into a tiny paper ball and plummet into the big trash can of the universe. My problem is everybody's proposed solutions. Ridiculous! And so heavily laden with jargon as to be utterly inscrutable. I suppose if I'm the only one who has a clue, you'd better listen up. For starters, health care should not cost money. Secondly, doctors should start making house calls again, because, let's face it, if you really need to go to the hospital, chances are you can't drive there. Of course we have ambulances for those cases, but I think we should get those pizza delivery guys to handle the truly time-critical cases.


I think Chess is a sexist game. Some people think it's feminist, because the queen is the most powerful piece on the board, but that's just a superficial analysis. In the beginning, the queen starts on a square of her own color, while the king always starts on a square of opposite color. Why, because she's the one that would worry about clashing? Sexist, I say. Then the queen can go wherever she wants to, boss everyone else around -- but when the king dies, she's had it.


I think we can make up for the sexism in Chess. We can do it by buying my new feminist card game. It's a trick-taking game like Bridge or Whist in which the four queens are always legal to play and always beat every other card, including trumps. Kings and jacks can only take each other, and those tricks never matter anyway.