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I Think

Page 7


Lions eat stuff like zebras raw -- little baby lion cubs will dig right in and get their faces all red. Crows eat dirty old roadkill right there on the side of the road. Welsh Corgis are ugly. I think nature is really gross.


I think bananas are really big inch worms, frozen in mid-stride.


I went fishing the other day. We used cross sections of a mackerel as bait. Fish are stupid. A big chunk of disembodied friend hangs in the water, and they want to eat it. I think people like fishing so much because it makes them feel like unbounded geniuses, in spite of the fact that they are standing outside in the wind and rain and freezing cold trying to catch something easily obtained at the local supermarket for significantly less than the price of the average fishing boat, tank of gas, rod, reel, hook, sinker, line, lure, bait, tackle box, and lunch box.


If a restaurant gives free rolls, garlic bread, breadsticks, or whatever, why is it required that they give one more piece of bread than there are people at the table? Would it hurt them to bring out one apiece or two apiece? I think it's a secret research project. There's hidden cameras over every table. They want to see how many people will split the last piece of bread and how many will fight over it. They do this nationwide, I'm sure, so they can study what regions of the country have a natural tendency toward violence. Then they test their new high-tech weaponry by mowing people down on the street in the most angst-ridden areas. The incident gets passed off as just another random act of violence. As for the least violent areas -- they publish them in those lists of "Best U.S. Cities To Live In." Everybody seems to know about those lists, even though nobody ever actually reads the magazines they get published in.


If inanimate objects were sentient, I think their lives would be in a constant state of suffering. I certainly wouldn't want to be a headlight on a sports car in the dead of winter. Nor would I want to lead the life of a ping pong ball. Or a spoon.


I think "Warheads" -- those ultra-sour and ultra-hot candies -- are commercially successful solely because of what I like to call the "macho instinct." It's a test of endurance. It's like, "How long can I survive the pain of having this thing in my mouth?"


The movie "Jurassic Park" has it all wrong. Tyrannosauri Rex don't run around like ostriches. In terms of body structure, they are more similar to kangaroos -- thick back legs, skinny forelegs, and a long tail for balance. I think the T-Rex used to get around by bouncing. They'd leap around everywhere and make a lot of noise. They'd catch pterodactyls in mid-flight. They'd take down a Brontosaurus by jumping on its neck. I'm glad those bad boys aren't around anymore.


The words "I think" appear on this page more than any others. I suspect so, anyway.


I think the inventor of those plush dice that people put on their rear view mirrors would best be described as "insane genius."


If it rained oil, I bet there'd be a lot more car accidents. I think we should protect against this eventuality by building giant soap dispensers at regular intervals along the roadside. If it ever rains oil, we could just squirt soap all over and wash the oil away. Then, to keep cars from sliding on the soap, we'd turn on the fire hydrants (placed at regular intervals on the other side of the road) for the "rinse" cycle. You can't be too prepared.