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I Think

Page 11


When did the breadbox become the standard base unit of measuring size? I think it should have been the ruler. Or the pelican.


Dog shows are ridiculous. Not the performance dog shows -- the ones where they groom the daylights out of the dogs and parade them around the ring. The idea of these shows is to groom your dog so it looks the least like a terrestrial being as it possibly can. The "ideal" spaniel, for instance, has nearly no hair on its back end and all hair on its front end, because apparently the judges' idea of the perfect spaniel is one that looks like it has an eight pound tumor growing out of its chest. Poodles, on the other hand, must be indistinguishable from balloon animals. I think I'm going to start a new kind of dog show. It will be the most prestigious dog show in the world, because I will charge the highest entrance fees. In it, I will rank dogs on how much they look like sporks. I'll do my best to keep a straight face, but then I'll laugh my way to the proverbial bank, which is what I suspect these dog show people are doing anyway.


Coffee tables serve two vital functions. They house magazines no one reads, and they trip you. Why do these units of furniture exist? I'm convinced no one actually likes them; I think people buy them just because they somehow became a mandatory living room component. Now if only I can get my wall mounted chair idea accepted into the standard furnishing convention, I'll be a zillionaire.


It's annoying for me to have to work the words "I Think" into every one of my rants.


If you were data travelling over a phone line, I think you'd see a lot of interesting sights along the way. Actually, you wouldn't, because you'd have that rubber insulation all around you. And you'd be moving way too fast to see anything. And you wouldn't have eyes.


Once I was at a red light behind one other car. All the while, this guy was inching out, more and more, into the intersection, as if going really slow through a red light is ok. Eventually the other cars had to swerve around him to get by, but he seemed oblivious. But wait, there's more. When the light finally turned green, he didn't budge an inch. I had to honk to get him to move. I don't have to tell you what I think of this.


I don't understand the appeal of stretched limousines. I think people have a misplaced respect for them. "Oooooo," people say when they see one. Come on. They're like buses, only shorter. And sure, they have open bars and lounges and casinos and hot tubs inside them, but what good are they if you can't so much as stand up? Renting limos is even more confusing. What kind of a statement does that make? "Hey, look what I can't afford to own!"


You know those photographic booths where passersby stick their heads through holes in the wall, and on the other side of the wall there's this funny drawing? I think I'd like to own a place like that, except when people stuck their heads in, I'd just punch them hard for no good reason.


People tell me they think I'm cynical, but I think they're wrong. I'm not cynical. Everyone else may have hidden agendas of nefarious natures that prey on the naivety of unsuspecting souls innocent to the ways of the world, but not me. Obviously there's a lot of prejudice against cynics in the workplace and in social circles, but I don't have to worry about that.


I will never say "Bridge" in an elevator. If I did, and the elevator doors opened to the bridge of the Enterprise, I think I would die, because that would mean I had spent my entire life on the holodeck and I could have blown this joint a lot sooner.