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Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II (1988)



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How stupid is this movie? I couldn't even count the ways.

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II is a story in the same vein as the original: a kid meets up with a warrior hero and other assorted companions, and they all go on a ridiculous quest through sound stages and stock footage until the final lame battle scene when all is well. The original was bad enough. This movie is worse, an accomplishment I wasn't sure was possible. Every line of dialogue gives cause for confusion, laughter, embarrassment, or any number of other emotions other than what was intended. There are bad puns ("That's a likely stone."), bad insights ("He cares about conquering evil."), senseless lines ("My father always said you'd be nothing but a mercenary -- an unemployed dead one at that."), corny lines ("Do it -- unless you think you're too good to be evil."), silly self-conscious lines ("See ya next quest."), and confusingly powerful lines ("No, you can't kill my father," turn out to be magic words of great force). It's all stupid.

The plot isn't any more coherent. A boy joins up with David Carradine and Lana Clarkson, which provides opportunities to splice in footage from Carradine's The Warrior and the Sorceress and Clarkson's Barbarian Queen. The footage they use from these movies is extensive, and it doesn't fit into the story at all. In the case of The Warrior and the Sorceress, footage is spliced in that shows Carradine saving villagers from badguys, followed by footage spliced in that shows Carradine beating the daylights out of said villagers. No explanation is made in this movie for why any of this might make sense. But saving the poor from oppression and killing raging hordes are both fantasy film activities, so they both had to be present.

The original footage is even worse. The boy's stage direction is one of the most laughable things I've ever seen. I've seldom been so amused and embarrassed as I have at the sheer spectacle of watching him throw kisses as he backs out of a room or faint before and after delivering otherwise clear-headed lines.

This is arguably the corniest movie I've ever seen. Those who like to watch bad movies on purpose (for the unintentional laughs) may find this to be a gem. But while this movie has plenty to offer, it is so bad and so corny, it will undoubtedly induce forehead slaps of puzzlement and disbelief, too.

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