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Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985)



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I can't say enough bad things about this movie. It stars a boy who escapes an assault on a castle, losing a magic talisman in the process, and then goes on a huge and long quest whose soul purpose is, when all is revealed, to get back where he started. Why didn't he just turn around? Along the way, he meets up with a stupid warrior character, and the two of them engage in the most absurd dialogue I've heard in a long time. None of it makes any sense, and what does induces such agonizing pain. ("Do we marry you...or marinate you?") They also engage in absurd sword fights, in which the clashing of blades sounds like clashing wooden dowels, and many badguys are killed by being tripped. Obviously there's a scene with groaning dead guys, and as if this movie couldn't come up with enough stupidity on its own, it borrows stupidity from other movies. The most embarrassing scene in Sorceress, the floating winged blue lion that does nothing scene, is pasted into this movie for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to use up time. The scene certainly has no ramifications on anything else.

The special effects are as pathetic as the other elements of the movie. In one scene, a paper dragon slides down a wire track, and this is supposed to be convincing. There's also lots of cheesy animated lightning, for the climactic battle between the boy and the evil wizard. I also can't figure out what the rules are. Time and again, characters explain how magic in this world is supposed to work. But not only is there no rationale for the stated rules, the stated rules aren't followed anyway.

This is one of the worst, most incompetent movies I have ever seen. It turned out the sequel was even a little worse, but, before seeing it, I wouldn't have thought it possible.

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