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Fairy Tale Stew

The Very Sad Tooth

Once upon a time there was a tooth named Dennis, only nobody knew his name, including himself, so everybody just called him "the tooth," including himself.

Well, one day the tooth was sleeping, and he woke up, and all the other teeth were looking at him and pointing at him and laughing at him, except for the pointing at him part, because teeth can't point. And the tooth said, "Why is everybody looking at me and not quite pointing at me and laughing at me?" And the other teeth said, "Because you have a hole in your forehead!" and the tooth said, "Really?" and the other teeth said, "Yes," and the tooth said, "I'd like a second opinion," so he enlisted the aid of an independent consulting service known as the tongue, and the tongue felt around and said, "Yup, that's a hole, all right," and charged him two fifty plus tax for services rendered.

And the cavity said, "I could have told you I was here for free, if only you had asked."

So the tooth was unhappy, and food got stuck in the cavity, and the cavity said, "Mmmm," because the food was pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and the more the cavity ate, the bigger it got, just like fat people.

But by and by, the mouth opened wide, and a stream of fluorescent lights poured in, and a drill showed up and said, "Yah-hah, helpless teethlings! Prepare to meet your DOOM! Rrreeeooor! Rrreeeeooor!" and the drill spotted the tooth with the cavity, and the tooth said, "Uh oh," and the drill pounced and said, "Grdrgtdrdgdrdtdgdtdgrrdtgdrtg!" for a while.

And all the teeth heard the noise stop, and they gradually opened their eyes, and they looked at the tooth and gasped in horror, and the tooth said, "What's wrong?" and then, "Why can't I feel my most of me?" And the cavity said, "Huh, I must have hit my growth spurt," and all the teeth agreed that the cavity was very much bigger, and the tongue said so too and charged two fifty plus tax for services rendered.

So the tooth said, "Oh no, I am grievously injured," and he was very sad.

But just then, some goop came by and said, "Hello, I am some goop," and all the teeth said, "Hi, some goop," and the some goop said, "I am so sad, because I am no use to anyone," and the teeth said, "Why's that?" and the some goop said, "Because all I am is some goop. Nobody likes goop. People throw goop away, because goop is no use to anyone," and the teeth said, "Aw, that's too bad," and then, "I'm hungry," because teeth have very short attention spans and aren't very bright, except for the wisdom teeth, get it? Haw haw.

But a curious thing happened just then. The goop just happened to fall into the cavity, and a pair of metal instruments just happened to tuck it in and apply some radioviolet ultraheat radiation, and suddenly all the teeth looked around and gasped in awe and admiration, and the tooth said, "What? What?" and the teeth said, "Where did you get that cool tiara?" and sure enough, there upon the tooth's forehead was a beautiful silver diadem (though not quite a crown, get it? Haw haw!) and the some goop said, "Whoa, I'm beautiful!" and the cavity would have said, "Help, I'm smooshed!" but he wasn't there anymore.

And all the teeth figured the tooth was pretty special, and they said, "The tooth is our new king!" and they called him "King Tooth" because nobody knew his name was Dennis.

And King Dennis, better known as King Tooth, was a kind and benevolent king for many years, until somebody threw a punch and knocked him out, but even then, in the medical waste facility, the tooth and the beautiful some goop were the best of friends forever and ever. And the goop learned the value of self-respect, and the tooth learned the value of having a hole in your forehead.