Main      Site Guide    
At-A-Glance Film Reviews

The Invincible Barbarian (1983)

(aka: Gunan, King of the Barbarians)



Reviews and Comments

In the beginning, the world was covered with trees, and there was a dinosaur fight that didn't have anything to do with anything. Then people came upon the land, and there were many shots of people riding around on horseback, and this sequence was long, though it again had no bearing on anything, and was very boring.

On the seventh moon of the fourth generation of the fifth millenium of the third illumination, there were two brothers. And the universe was angry, because the prophecy decreed that there should be only one son, and yet there were two; a twin had come about because the village in which they were born was about to be attacked. And the universe exacted its revenge by throwing the world into a rage of chaos for many generations, after which the sons had just about grown up.

And there was much fighting and violence upon the world, though no bloodshed, because the swords in those days were magic, being able to kill people without rending their skin or garments.

And it came to pass that the sons were to duel until the duel was done. And the victor of the duel wooed his beloved, saying, "Wait! Don't be afraid!" And his words were sweet and true, for she fell into his arms with love and admiration and many kisses.

And the invincible barbarian, as he came to be known, wandered through the land, saving his beloved and smiting his enemies by barely touching them with his sword. And he was tied up many times, but he removed his bonds as easily as he might remove his clothes. And his greatest enemy, the murderer of his mother, hid in a cave with his followers. And a friend of the invincible barbarian came upon the cave and said, "I have a gift for your chief," whereupon the guard turned her out, saying, "You're a liar. Get out, or I'll kill you." And the invincible barbarian broke into the cave and killed his greatest enemy, the murderer of his mother, though it took him a very long time to die, standing quivering and convulsing and holding his gut for 52 seconds straight, before the barbarian finally had to finish him off with a blow to the neck. So ends the chronicle of he who became known as the invincible barbarian, at least by a very few who stumbled upon one of probably about four copies of the video in existence quite by accident.