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People in the News: The Angry Dwarf

Fruit-and-vegetable grower Mr. Snorri "Fruitloop" Throfssonsson has been one of Fantasy's most prominent citizens for more than 100 years. Our interviewer caught up with him in a rare leisure moment to chat.

FNN: Mr. Throfssonsson, I'm sure that one of the first things our readers would like to know is how you got your nickname, "Fruitloop."

ST: That goes back a long way. When I started out in the wholesale produce industry, I was supplying mainly fruit, and The Fruit Loop was the name of my first market stall. You see, this is an entirely reasonable and natural explanation, and anything people might tell you about how it's because I'm a homicidal psychopath is completely incorrect.

FNN: So some people say that, do they?

ST: Not since I nailed them to my floor and cut their nose off and made them eat it, no.

FNN: I see. And how long have you been in your line of work?

ST: Well, it's coming up about 130 years now. But the business didn't really take off for the first thirty years, and there was a lot of hard work involved. Eventually I got things to the stage where I was the preferred supplier to nine out of ten Fantasy residents, and since then I've never looked back.

FNN: Please tell us more about how you achieved that.

ST: I like to say it's a combination of several factors. First, the quality and freshness of our produce -- second, our totally organic and natural growing methods, guaranteed to bring you nothing but the best -- and third, the way I went around to everybody's house and threatened them with a battleaxe. It's these little details which make all the difference in the world of modern business.

FNN: You threaten people with a battleaxe to make them buy vegetables?

ST: Oh no, no, my goodness no! Certainly not. No, I threaten people with a battleaxe to make them buy grapefruit. For vegetables, I break down their door at night and take their children hostage. And for legumes and berries I generally find I get the best results by simply staring silently through people's windows in an unsettling manner, and then holding up the decapitated head of a unicorn and smiling meaningfully before disappearing back into the night.

FNN: It is fairly unusual to see a dwarf living in a house and running a fruit-and-vegetable farm. Have you found your species has held you back at all, or is it an advantage?

ST: I prefer to be called a "person of height," as a matter of fact. When I started out, yes, it was hard to be taken seriously in a non-mining environment. Many people told me there wasn't any place in today's economy for the small businessman. However, I persevered, and today I do consider it an advantage. It makes things much easier when it comes to hiding under a bush with a chainsaw waiting to surprise carrot thieves.

FNN: Ah, yes, the theft problem. You have been very vocal about this issue in recent weeks. Is there anything you'd like to add here, for the benefit of our readers?

ST: Only that I know who you are, I know where you live, and I am coming to get you and your entire family and everybody you've ever known and the horse they rode in on, when you least expect it, and in ways you will never forget no matter how much therapy you may have for the brief remainder of your unhappy life.

FNN: ...yes...a very full answer there, I'm sure. And lastly, Mr. Throfssonsson, I wonder if I can ask you one final question about your ... other nickname.

ST: No, you bloody well can't.

FNN: Ah. I merely thought it might be interesting to get your perpective on whether people are justified in calling you "The Angry Dwarf."

ST: Person of height. I don't think I have to take this from somebody like you, sonny. You're an elf, right? I hate elves.

FNN: No, actually I am a human.

ST: I hate humans too.

FNN: I see. Thank you for your time, Mr. Throfssonsson. I'm sure I speak for all our readers when I wish you the very best with your future ventures in ...

ST: Shut up, I'm talking. All these [expletive deleted] humans with their [expletive deleted] carrot stealing and their [expletive deleted] rummaging around other people's garages. You'd think you'd never seen empty boxes before, but oh no, got to pick them up, put them down, tip all the packing out, put your left foot in and you shake it all about. [expletive deleted]

FNN: I beg your pardon?

ST: Just remember this, elf. Snorri Throfssonsson has a battleaxe and he isn't afraid to use it. And to one particular person out there, I'd just like to add this: I have some plans for you, and when I'm done, you won't be wanting to see a carrot again for a long, long, long time.

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Article by C. Patrick.