I promised myself I wouldn't try to review a movie that's appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000, because why beat a dead horse? However, in spite of the fact that this movie was MST episode #424, and also that it doesn't have the words "Sinbad," "Evil," or "Dead" in the title, I am going to submit it to this site anyway. This is to spotlight two major problems I had with it, that nobody has mentioned yet.

First is my opinion that this could have been a really creepy horror movie had it been done right, starting by it not being written and produced by Texas fertilizer salesman Harold P. Warren. (Go figure.)

Think about it. The stuff (not plot) goes that a married couple (Hal Warren and Diane Mahrer) and their daughter (Stephanie Nielson) and dog are driving through the desert around El Paso. They are lost and night is falling, so they decide to stop at the "Valley Lodge." Good enough premise for any run of the mill horror movie.

They are greeted by Torgo (John Reynolds), hideous goatman who talks slow and walks slower because of his overly pronounced knees. Torgo serves "The Master" (Tom Myerson, or Freddie Mercury, you decide) who lives in the dirt floor basement with a dozen or so brides. The Master has a vicious hellbeast (a Doberman) and worships "Manos" (bust of Yul Brynner).

The family's dog turns up dead...the family never really finds out what is going on but knows something wicked is afoot. Torgo, stealing the movie, makes a spastic pass at the Missus. The husband is knocked out and tied to a pole for the night. The girl disappears for a while and then comes back, taking the hellbeast for walkies.

The dozen wives have a battle royal...no specific reason, but providing this sole image is probably why Harold P. Warren made this movie...Torgo is sacrificed to Manos for fooling around with the women...the family decides to escape.

I won't give away the ending, because I found it truly surprising and wouldn't want to take that away from you. Now I ask you this -- if done right, couldn't this be a scary movie? Give it some better music (especially Torgo's theme...repeat in a high pitch "DOO-doo-doo-doo, DOO-doo-doo-doo," and you've got it), throw in, say, the cast of "Flatliners," put the new Mickey Mouse Club headed by Britney Spears as the wives -- boom! Instant cult horror classic! Sadly, this was a good idea for a horror story wasted on this movie.

Well, while I'm at it, the acting in this movie is terrible -- there are long pauses between every line exchanged. As Crow says in the MST3K verson, "You could drive a Mack truck through your cues, tempo tempo tempo!" Even the animals get in on it! The hellbeast seems to be a happy, playful doberman, who yawns during the sacrifice scene. A laughable scene, in which the wives try to kill Torgo by slapping him to death.

Among the horror elements are still some plot shortcomings. Among them is the Master's main evil power granted him by Manos seems to be the ability to stare. Also these two cops pop up once in a while to bust another couple necking near the Lodge. ("Darn smoochers on my property!" [Honk if you get that reference.]) I'm unclear what this has to do with anything. Collect 'em all...how about the Master telling Torgo that he will kill him, so Torgo continues to patiently follow him around until it's convenient.

My second major problem was the end of the movie -- not just the events, but the closing credits. An epilogue starts, which looks like the beginning of the movie all over again, and then they start showing outtakes. (Yep, some scenes actually didn't MAKE the final cut.) You get the impression that the movie has lapped itself. The first time I saw it, I actually believed that it was NEVER going to end, and I had to walk out on it! This hurt me profoundly, to have admitted defeat by a mere movie.

Even in this primordial mishmush form, this movie left me with a creepy feeling for the rest of the night. I still exercise caution when watching it. Not to mention that its weirded-out horror/jazz music appeared in a nightmare I had once.

Call me crazy, but I think this movie had potential. Look for it in the MST3K section of your local movie store. I doubt you'll find it on its own.

By the way, "Manos" means hands, so the title of this movie is "Hands, the Hands of Fate." There is actually a hand motif in this movie...check out the giant handprints on the Master's robe. There is also a driving motif.

Rating: Two turkeys. One for existing, and one for almost having a FEEL to it.

Scene to watch for: Manos down, Torgo peeping in window at the Missus.

Best line: Torgo, to wife: "The MASTER can't have you! *I* want YOU!"

Things that make you go "Huh?" What happens to the little girl at the end. Totally unnecessary.