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It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

Reader Review

The One

Posted by: Forest Taylor
Date Submitted: Thursday, April 24, 2003 at 12:29:49
Date Posted: Thursday, September 9, 2004 at 14:01:58

After "The Matrix" became successful, filmmakers started scrambling to make the next "guy has great super powers so he can do lots of spinny flips and fight in slow motion" movie. And so we get "The One," a movie whose entire plot is based on a gimmick. That gimmick: Jet Li will fight himself! Yet it barely delivers.

Jet Li is a very accomplished martial arts fighter, but in this movie all of his stunts are computer-enhanced, and we can't really enjoy them because all we can hear is the blasting soundtrack featuring such musical "talents" as Disturbed and Papa Roach (sigh).

In this movie there are 123 alternate universes, and in each universe there are people like you and me but just a little bit different. One of the Jet Lis (the evil one) finds out that if all the other Jet Lis die in the alternate universes, their strengths will transfer into him and, when he is the only one left, he'll become a sort of god (kind of like Highlander but not as good). So Evil Jet Li travels across dimensions, killing himself, and becoming more powerful.

Wait a minute! If this were true, wouldn't we all naturally get stronger in time as our alternate selves in the other universes begin to die naturally? If one of me gets hit by a bus, wouldn't I get stronger all of the sudden? The best boxers in the world would be 80 year-olds, and the armed forces should be full of senior citizens.

Anyway, we get to a point where there are only two Jet Lis left. Evil Jet Li wants to kill Good Jet Li, but there are these two inter-dimension police officers trying to stop him. So basically the whole movie is little more than Good Jet Li running away from Evil Jet Li, and occasionally Evil Jet Li fights a bunch of cops (while deafening music is being played of course). Eventually, proving that he is really evil, Evil Jet Li kills one of the inter-dimensional policemen and then he kills Good Jet Li's wife. This naturally makes Good Jet Li really angry, so he seeks revenge, and thus we finally get to see Jet Li fight Jet Li. Well, the fight lasts about three minutes, and it's over.

Later, Evil Jet Li is sent to some apocalyptic universe, where he apparently fights big hairy guys for the rest of his life. The End.

Hold on, I thought this movie was called "The One"! It ended with TWO Jet Lis still intact! Is this supposed to set us up for the sequel, "The One 2"?

Rating: 2 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Evil Jet Li smashes a cop with motorcycles.

Best line: "I am Yulaw! I am nobody's b**ch! You are mine!"

This to make you go "Huh?": The whole killing yourself to get stronger thing.

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