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It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

Reader Review

The Creeps

Posted by: Ben Smith
Date Submitted: Sunday, April 6, 2003 at 21:55:29
Date Posted: Thursday, September 2, 2004 at 10:57:02

This has the perfect plot setup for a "good" bad movie. A mad scientist steals the original manuscripts to Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, and the Wolfman, and plugs them into a machine that brings archetypes to life. So it's a horror movie with all those guys together? Well, other movies have done that. But wait, there's more. You see, something goes wrong with the archetype machine, and they don't come out right. As a result of the experiment's "shortcomings," all the monsters in this movie are played by midgets. Yes, that's right. Dracula is three feet tall.

Moreover, he speaks like an Italian mafia don -- he's got the raspy voice and everything. None of the other monsters have speaking parts that go beyond growling and moaning.

All right, the plot. I'll be right back.

(Dons latex gloves and a full bio-hazard suit and bravely steps into the bathroom. Various splashing noises are heard, and finally a toilet flushes.)

Ok, I'm back! So Anna Quarrels, fresh out of college, has finally gotten into the career path she's always dreamed of having. Yes, as she states at least twice in the movie, it's what she's always wanted to do, and she would hate to lose the job. Miss Quarrels, you see is...a librarian. Yyyyyyyyyyup. A librarian. With a lesbian boss that keeps hitting on her. Enter mad scientist, who checks out the original script to Frankenstein for half an hour, then swaps the real one for a fake and makes off with it while the boss is chewing Quarrels out for loaning out the book. "Our business is preserving books, Miss Quarrels. They will not be preserved if you allow people to look at them."

Quarrels is apparently psychic, because she immediately goes up to make sure that the book the guy was looking at is OK. *gasp* The pages are blank! Well, let's see: $107,000 manuscript stolen. What's the best way to get it back? Quarrels is ready for that. she hires a PI. From a video store.

Ok, so David Raleigh, old horror movie buff, video store clerk, and aspiring private detective is on the case. He bumbles through his lines and manages to find out who stole the book by using fingerprints off the fake copy and then somehow getting into the fingerprint database. But he still can't find the guy, so Quarrels fires him. Immediately afterwards, Winston Berber (the mad scientist) comes back to look at the Dracula manuscript. She threatens him with a pair of scissors and calls up Raleigh. Unfortunately, the mad scientist pulls out a tazer (I swear they used a toy light saber for this prop) and pokes her in the neck. "Eat bad special effects, librarian!" Quarrels clutches her neck, staggers for a minute, and passes out rather awkwardly.

Berber chats with the unconscious body of Quarrels as he rolls her out of the library in a book cart, explaining to her how this entire situation is her fault. When she comes to, she's tied up and about to be sacrificed. Berber explains that his calculations state that there must be a naked virgin between 25 and 30 years old as a sacrifice in order for this to work. Despite the fact that Berber finds out through clever deduction that she is not a virgin, he figures that he might as well try it anyway. But Raleigh (who apparently is also psychic) finds out that where they are and comes to the rescue with his crowbar. So the experiment is messed up and the monsters all come out as midgets.

The monsters are told that they need the blonde librarian to get back to their normal height, so they kidnap Quarrels' boss, who is also blonde. This scene is just messed up. Miss Christina (the boss) sneaks into the upstairs of the library late at night. She unlocks a book shelf and removes a copy of Jane Eyre. She looks strangely excited.

Now, this is why I love this movie. Every time my friends and I tried to make a MST-style joke, the movie made it for us. Miss Christina starts...fondling herself with the book. She hears the monsters shambling around and goes off to investigate. The mini-monsters have a trip rope ready for her, though, and jump all over her as she falls. Great scene.

Berber tells them she's the wrong one, but they decide to try and sacrifice her even though they know it won't work. It doesn't, but Miss Christina does somehow get turned into a Viking with an operatic voice. She's about to throw a spear at Berber, but he sucks her into another realm just in time.

Dracula and the Wolfman go after Raleigh, who attacks with a candlestick. But Dracula makes it disappear through the miracle of cheesy special effects. Meanwhile, there's a ridiculous chase scene between the other two monsters (Frankenstein and the Mummy), and Miss Quarrels meets up with Raleigh as all four monsters corner them. Berber comes to laugh at them, but Raleigh grabs him and threatens to break his neck. Drac doesn't seem to care though, so it doesn't work. So Raleigh steals the light saber/cattle prod. He's laughing and gloating about how they can't stop them now. Then Dracula, just like in the previous scene, makes it disappear. They are both knocked out and brought back to the lab to be sacrificed together.

Raleigh gets out of his ropes and handles Berber, and Quarrels delivers a heartfelt speech about how the monsters belong in their fantasy world and not in ours, so Dracula and friends return to the nothingness from whence they came.

Aside from the hilarious premise of the movie in general, this movie does a pretty good job of being an entertaining film.

Rating: 3.5 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Miss Christina fondles herself...with a BOOK!!

Best line: "What are you going to do? Go around for all of eternity with a step stool so you can bite people on the neck?"

Things that make you go "Huh?": Well, if midget monsters don't, then I don't know what will.

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