A nonsensical movie about vampires that just goes to show Quentin Tarantino should never, EVER be allowed to direct again.

This movie stars Harvey Keitel, George Clooney, and a bunch of people I now hate with every fiber of my being.

Harvey plays a priest who's driving around with his kids in his motor home. They get RVjacked by George Clooney and his brother (cameo by Mr. Tarantino) who are robbers and need to get to Mexico. (It should be noted that this entire paragraph is more than an hour of the movie, and we haven't even met the vampires yet.)

Once in Mexico, Harvey & kids get dragged into a strip bar by George. Once at the bar, there's a bunch of gratuitous nudity, and then a fight breaks out. No sooner does the first chair get thrown, Springer style, than everyone in the bar except the RV crew and a few nameless extras turn into CryptKeeperish zombie-gargoyle-vampires.

The rest of the movie is a whole bunch of gore and blood and more gore and really inane acting and pretty lame fight scenes, not to mention bad special effects, and everybody but Harvey Keitel's daughter and George Clooney becoming vampires, then getting blown to Mars by George's shotgun that he was conveniently carrying.

In the end, daylight comes, George opens the front door to the bar, and all the vampires shrivel up into raisins. Just as he's about to drive off in his sports car that Cheech Marin delivers to him (must have made an "if I'm ever ambushed by a barful of vampires, then bring me the car" type of deal), Harvey Keitel's daughter asks him if he wants company in that teenage girl "I think you're a hunk" type of way. He says no and leaves her there among the Sun Maid remains of her family.

Now, I believe this movie could have at least been a good time-waster had they continued with the entire hijack-the-family storyline, but more than halfway through the movie, it seems as if the writers got stuck and just said, "Oh well, throw in a bunch of vampires and let it sort itself out."

What really irks me about the movie is the end where the daughter wants to go off with George Clooney. This guy is not a hero. He's a robber who HIJACKED your FAMILY which resulted in their DEATHS. You DO NOT want to go off with this guy, even if he did help you fight off a bunch of vampires.

This movie is just too painful to watch. I left it feeling I would have gotten more satisfaction and entertainment out of watching my smoke detector blink. It's a 1 turkey: bad, and would cause your brains to shrivel faster than the vampires involved did.

Scene to watch for: Quentin's death. (YAY!!!!)

Best line: Any of the inarticulate growls the vampires make. They're better than anything Clooney could monotone.

Things that make you go "Huh?": The sudden and unexplainable appearance of the vampires.

Response From RinkWorks:

Actually Tarantino is only the screenwriter (and bit part actor) of this movie; the director is Robert Rodriguez. But they both subscribe to similar filmmaking theories.