When I saw this movie sitting on the shelf, I pounced. I just about turned myself inside out to get to it. Anyone who had been in my way would have been shoved aside. Ironically, the reason we were renting movies in the first place was because we fully expected to be stuck in the house due to the nor'easter headed our way.

I claim my status as bad horror movie novice as an excuse for taking forty-five minutes or so of the movie to finally realize that this movie was *supposed* to be bad. A pro would have been tipped off by the title and/or the last line in the blurb: "Just when you thawed it was safe . . ." I have much to learn.

This movie seems to have a slightly better budget than the first movie; either that or they found something other than soap flakes to construct Jack with. He looked okay to me.

The movie opens with Sheriff Sam Tyler talking about Jack Frost. In rhyme. I wish I'd written some of it down. He recites a poem about Jack's crimes to this old guy who I thought was a priest, because the lighting makes it look like he's wearing a roman collar. (By the way, he makes it sound as if Jack buried the pieces of his victims rather than baking them into pies.) Sam drops the poetry as he gets to the plot of the first movie, which he obligingly recaps for us while we learn that (a) the priest is actually a psychiatrist and (b) he's got his phone on one-way speakerphone, so that people are listening in on Sam's session and laughing themselves sick. What, they don't believe that Sam battled a serial killer in the body of a snowman? Sam, upon discovering his psychiatrist's deception, promptly calls his lawyer so he can sue the old man's butt.

No, wait, that's what anyone else in the world would have done. Sam just leaves. We go through the opening credits, during which two guys dig up the grave where Jack's antifrozen remains are located. We don't see their faces; we only hear their voices, and one of them sounds like an exaggerated Southern geek voice from "Saturday Night Live." We then cut to a bunch of guys in lab coats doing things with Jack's remains and some chemicals. I know that's vague, but so was the scene. We don't know what they're doing, and we don't know why they're doing it. At one point, a scientist heats up a cup of something -- I'm guessing coffee or tea -- and he promptly spills it into Jack's vat. Whatever it is, it wakes Jack up immediately, and he takes off ASAP, chortling, "Things to do, revenge to take."

Sam and Anne, meanwhile, are taking a trip to the Bahamas for their friends' wedding, and we find out two things: first of all, they're leaving their son with some family (aww, I wanted to see the rat kid, too), and second of all, it's exactly a year since the last movie. It's also pounded into the viewers' brains that Sam is having a hard time letting go of what happened with Jack -- for some reason (and not just the standard horror movie sequel paranoia, either, as we will find out later) he's positive that Jack is still out there somewhere. Anne tells him to let go already -- they're going to the Bahamas and they're going to have fun, relax, and forget about last Christmas.

At the resort, we meet the Colonel, who is an old British guy and the owner of the resort, and Bobby, the token black guy with a Jamaican accent who apparently helps the Colonel run the place. We also meet three nubile young models who are on a photo shoot, RoseAshleyandPaisley, whose names I am running together because we never do find out who is who, which doesn't matter, because your *VICTIM!* alarm should be going off right about now.

We then meet two random guys who are stranded in the middle of the ocean, fighting over the last piece of food they have, which is a carrot. One guy throws the other into the water. Naturally, Jack is there, and he drags the guy down and drowns him, then steals the carrot and stabs the other guy with it, while singing, "Slashing through the raft . . ." then in a normal speaking voice, "Thank you for the nose; I'm off to the islands." Boy, can Jack ever swim.

That night, Sam, Anne, and friends are attending a party at the resort. Everyone is having fun except a morose Sam, who is thinking about last year and Jack. (You know what? That's a given. From now on, just assume that's what Sam is thinking about, because he always is.) Sam's brooding is invaded by Captain Fun. I'm serious, this is the guy's name. His job is apparently to cheer up uncomfortable or unhappy guests. He plays the role of both Captain Fun and his sidekick, Activity Boy. You can tell the difference because Activity Boy wears the baseball cap backwards. Sadly, this is about the only scene in which we see Activity Boy.

While this is going on, RoseAshleyandPaisley are partying outside by a fire, passing around a bottle of some sort. RoseAshleyorPaisley gets up to get more charcoal for the fire. She doesn't say, "I'll be right back," but she might as well, because Jack is watching. Hearing the word "charcoal," he follows her, bent on getting hold of eyes and buttons. He lurks somewhere about her and keeps hurling icicles down, but they keep missing her. Finally, he gets impatient and simply drops a giant ice anvil on top of her. He dispatches the other two RoseAshleyorPaisleys in similarly odd manners.

Next morning, the Colonel and Bobby are standing around when they hear someone scream. The Colonel runs toward it; Bobby, who has apparently seen the "Scream" trilogy, yells after him, "You don't go runnin' toward the screamin'!", then follows. They find a girl standing over the third RoseAshleyorPaisley's body. The Colonel grimly tells Bobby to go fetch Manners, the security chief. "Not the scary guy!" Bobby protests, but there's no need; Manners got there way before they did. That's about when Sam arrives on the scene, and those who hadn't already made the connection find out that Manners is indeed the very same Agent Manners from the first movie. I'm guessing they had to recast, because Manners talks about the "fifteen operations" he had to have after what Jack did before he looked human again. He also reveals that the FBI fired him faster than he could blink after the whole Jack fiasco.

Conveniently and unsurprisingly, the phone line is dead. Also unshockingly, there's a supply boat coming the next day, so they only have to "hold out" until morning. Of course, according to the Colonel, there's nothing to hold out *against*. Mindful of bad publicity, he insists that RoseAshleyandPaisley were not murdered, merely attacked by sharks. (Because that's better publicity.) It becomes clear that Manners, who of course insists that it was murder, is known amongst the staff as insanely paranoid. Apparently, three bodies are no reason to be paranoid here. I'd like to know what kind of things *happen* at this resort on a regular basis.

The next murder is the funniest in this movie. I would go so far as to say that it may well be one of the funniest *ever*. Unfortunately, there is no possible way I can describe it accurately without pounding the RinkWorks policy of family orientation into really tiny pieces. Suffice it to say that it involves a model who is way older than your average model, a photographer who exhibits all the signs of stereotypical homosexuality, Jackcubes (which are ice cubes made of Jack, and yes, I made the term up just this second), and the line, "Oh, I guess it was decapitated coffee." Plus Jack manages to kill the photographer by taking pictures of him. This whole scene is so completely, insanely ludicrous, filled with such horrible innuendo, that it will either have you on the floor in tears or blushing violently. Or possibly both.

Manners approaches Sam from behind and demands to meet him in the reception hall, alone, in ten minutes. Walls have ears, he explains, so they can't talk here. Sam wants to know why they can't just go talk now; Manners replies, in the same menacing, hissing whisper he's been using for the entire scene, "I have to pee." After I picked myself up off the floor, I *finally* figured out that this movie was bad on purpose.

It turns out that Captain Fun is in league with Manners, and he has the "perfect plan" to draw the killer out into the open: throw a party. At the party, Sam discovers that partying is Captain Fun's solution for *everything*. His title isn't just a job, it's a way of life. Captain Fun cheerfully offers Sam some banana shrimp, but Sam declines, explaining that he's allergic to bananas. (I didn't get a look at the tray offered, since I was writing stuff down, but I'm fairly certain that banana shrimp are actually an kind of shrimp. Ah, well.)

Jack commits yet another murder, and we discover that he has the ability to control the weather. That's right -- he makes it snow. And he makes it cold enough for the snow to stick. Wow -- what on earth does that scientist *drink* in his coffee, anyway? In their room, Sam sleepily asks Anne if she turned on the air conditioning. Anne's reply? There isn't any air conditioning. That's right. A resort in the *Bahamas* doesn't have AIR CONDITIONING. Maybe the Colonel should stop worrying about the "sharks" and start making the rooms habitable for his guests.

Naturally, Sam is terrified by the fact that it's snowing in the Bahamas, because Jack *must* be responsible! (Okay, he is, but that's beside the point.) Everyone else bounds into the snow and starts having snowball fights and building snowmen, wearing the gloves and mittens that they packed for their trip to the Bahamas. They're not wearing jackets, though, because *that* would be silly.

Jack gets in on the fun, hurling icicles and snowballs, one of which takes off a guy's arm. Sam, who is in his element now that his suspicions have been confirmed, slowly stalks toward a snowman, making a dramatic speech that includes the phrase "they think fire wouldn't melt in your mouth." He also reveals that he has been carrying around a vial of concentrated antifreeze for the past year, waiting for Jack's return. Wow. What is concentrated antifreeze, and where can I get some?

In a shocking turn of events, we discover that Sam is stalking the wrong snowman. Manners, meanwhile, has whipped out a gun, because guns are *so* effective when it comes to virtually immortal snowmen. Sam's friend -- remember the people who are getting married? -- can't get past the fact that Manners is actually *there*.

Now everybody believes Sam and Manners' paranoia. Sam has a suitcase full of caulking supplies, and he instructs Anne and the friends to seal the place up tight so that Jack can't get in, while he and Manners go out to track Jack down. They have Super Soakers full of antifreeze. While they're outside hunting, Sam's friend puts forth the following theory: when Jack and Sam were thrashing around in the truckful of antifreeze in the end of the previous movie, it somehow caused their DNA to be "linked". Here I wept with laughter and made a note never to bathe in antifreeze with another person.

Sam and Manners find the Colonel and Bobby and tell them how important it is to get lots of antifreeze. It should be mentioned that throughout most of the movie, Sam hasn't shut up about the stupid antifreeze. Bobby exasperatedly asks where the *heck* they expect to find antifreeze on a *tropical* island. However, he suggests that maybe they could use coolant instead, since they have tons of it lying around to be used in the boats. Yeah, sounds like a foolproof plan to me.

They all work together to set up a trap, using Sam as bait to lure Jack into a swimming pool filled with coolant. Jack hollers in pain, emits tons of frothy marshmallow fluff, and the movie's over, right?

Of course not! Didn't you pay attention to the first movie? Don't you know that Jack is invincible? Jack lumbers out of the pool, bellowing with rage: "Do you have any idea how much this stuff stings?? And I swallowed it!! I'll be hawking it up for a *week*!" Why did Jack survive the "antifreeze"? (The movie wants us to think that coolant and antifreeze are the same thing, and for all I know, they are. I'm not very well-versed on coolant vs. antifreeze, and I think that's what they were counting on.) Well, he offers some vague explanation of "new and improved" DNA, sheds a snowball, and leaves. Sam's friends decide to scoop up the snowball and take it *inside* with everyone.

Sam, meanwhile, has just completely snapped. For all but the last ten minutes of the movie, all he can do is babble about the antifreeze and how it worked last time and what they did with it last time and why didn't it work this time and so on so on so on. Therefore, the movie abruptly switches lead charaters, making Anne the Hero in Charge.

The characters gather around Jack's snowball, watching it warily. The snowball has grown, but we're the only ones who notice this. I suppose that's forgivable, since the characters are more concerned about the fact that the snowball is moving. Why is it moving? Captain Fun suggests that it might be hatching and moves closer.

Thirty seconds later, his theory is verified. From the snowball emerges -- uh, a smaller snowball, which is manufacturedly adorable (just think Pikachu here and you'll know what I mean). Captain Fun instantly falls in love -- "It's so *cute*!" The little snowball looks around, blinks its little eyes, and spots Captain Fun. "Da-da!" Captain Fun is gone, lost to the rest of the world thanks to the excessive adorableness. "Da-da! Da-da!" He's utterly charmed. Kill me now. No, wait, kill Captain Fun instead.

"Kill da-da!"

Hey, thanks!

They try *everything* to destroy this little snowball. They stomp on it ("Ow!"), puree it in the blender ("That was fun!"), and waffle iron it ("Ooh, toasty!") among other things.

Manners, meanwhile, is stalking around the resort, still searching for Jack, and is connected to the others via a walkie-talkie. Anne gets a hold of him and tells him about the murderous baby snowball, which causes Manners to stare uneasily around and growl, "That would have been useful to know five minutes ago!" And well it might -- the poor man has found Jack's *nest*. Hundreds of baby snowballs. Exit Manners. (Again.)

Anne heads out, searching for something that will kill the snowballs. She ends up eventually in the bar or the kitchen or something (at this point, I was really laughing too hard to care about setting) and starts throwing random drinks and entrees at the snowballs, which are everywhere, until, suddenly, one of them screams, sizzles, and dies. She takes the pitcher full of whatever she just threw, runs back to where the others are waiting, and demands that Bobby tell her what's in the drink. He tastes it, recognizes it, and immediately tosses off a list of ingredients, amongst which are rum and bananas.

A lightbulbs goes off over Anne's head as she stares at her husband, who is still babbling desperately about antifreeze. The DNA transfer, she theorizes excitedly, gave Jack Sam's allergy to bananas! (Remember the banana allergy?) Bananas will kill the snowballs!

The characters set out to find and puree every banana on the resort. I sob with laughter. Anne fills up a Super Soaker with liquified banana and heads out for a Snowball Death Spree.

The Snowball Death Spree is *glorious*. It's filmed in slow motion to "Taps," and as each snowball is hit with bananas, it turns all red and gooshy. It's just beautiful.

Finally, all the snowballs are dead or close to it, and the remaining cast retires to Anne and Sam's room, flushed with success. Uh, I think you forgot something, guys....

The next scene is oddly touching. Jack moves about amongst the carnage, finding one last living snowball. It's badly injured and not going to live much longer. He picks it up and soothes it gently until it dies in his hand. Cut to an extreme close up of Jack's right eye -- a single tear falls, and Jack vows with a furious snarl, "Now it's killing time!" It's a really disturbing scene, mostly because at this point, you've been so discombobulated by the movie that you are actually moved by the pathos presented in it.

Here I turned to my Dad and said, "It's never going to be over." My Dad agreed and -- how do you like this for irony? -- went out to start shovelling the twenty inches of snow we'd gotten over the night. Heh.

Jack heads out to avenge his family. He finds the Colonel and Bobby, who are plotting how to spin the events so that the resort won't look too bad. Jack ensures that they no longer have to worry about it and then moves on to find Anne, who he somehow knows masterminded the whole thing. Along the way, he finds the married-couple-to-be getting all romantic and reciting their wedding vows, which leads to the single best line in the entire movie, which of course I will be saving for Best Line at the end of this review.

They prudently run screaming past Anne and into the walk-in freezer, which is the perfect place to escape from a murderous snowman. Anne is alarmed but not in time to do anything. Jack encloses her in a big ice box (a literal one) and starts thrusting icicles through the walls of it, trying to stab her. She starts taunting him about his babies' deaths for absolutely no reason; if it's part of a plan, the viewers aren't let in on it.

Sam, meanwhile, has made a miraculous recovery from his nervous breakdown, and just in time too. He arrives on the scene with a bow and arrow. Strapped to the arrow is a partially peeled banana. This he shoots at Jack, who obligingly dissolves into this *huge* gooshy white mess all over the floor. The amount of this stuff is *amazing*. It's enough to hide Anne completely from view, which means that we are treated to several minutes of Sam desperately swishing through it and shouting her name. He finds her. They leave the kitchen. It ends. Just like that.

Those who wait through the end credits (which are the shortest end credits *ever* created), will get to watch a scene wherein the camera focuses tightly on the freezer door, and we hear the friends pounding on the door from the inside and shouting to Sam and Anne to let them out. Room for a sequel or just a random attempt at humour? You decide.

I want so badly to give this movie five turkeys, but I can only award it four, since it is so deliberately awful. Nonetheless, I could not recommend this movie more highly. Rent it as soon as you possibly can. Watch it alone or with other people. It doesn't matter. Either way, you will laugh yourself sick.

Scene to watch for: The ancient model and her photographer are murdered; the cast discovers the first evil little snowball.

Best line: "I now pronounce you TOTALLY FREAKIN' DEAD!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": No air conditioning in a Bahamas resort? Why bananas? Jack has latent paternal urges? Did Sam write that poem about Jack's crimes beforehand?