Written by the people who brought you "Barb Wire" and "Darkman 3: Die, Darkman, Die!", "Timecop" is Temporal Paradoxes For Beginners. Jean-Claude Van Damme plays two roles: Van Damme in 1994 as Officer Max Walker, and Future Van Damme as Lieutenant Max Walker, sporting a fine "wet look" mullet. Yes, that's right, in the future, mullets are considered stylish. Although many people would like to go back in time and restyle Jean-Claude's hair, this is supposed to be a bad thing. Enter the Time Enforcement Police.

Let's start over, because that's what every time travel movie does at least three times. It's 1994, and Max meets his wife in a shopping mall. They both have news: he's about to transfer to a newly formed police force that deals with time travel; she's about to get killed. The wife gets killed, but it's a time travel movie, so things just might turn out ok.

So now we're in The Future. It's ten years later, which brings up science fiction staple #342: the future is always a multiple of ten years away. Just once, I'd like to see a time travel movie that's set in both current day and thirty-seven years in the future.

In 2004, Max is now veteran Timecop Mullethead, bustin' heads in all eras. The criminals they're after are people who "violate the timestream with intent to change the future." Please don't think at this point, for if you do you'll start asking questions. Questions such as what makes the Time Cops so sure that what they're currently in is the correct time line? Later in the movie, the past has changed and the entire Time Cop organization has been changed, but certainly these people would believe that they're in the one true timeline and Mullethead is from some aberrant timeline.

If, as the movie posits, there is only one timeline at any one time and altering the past will alter the future/present, why, when an alteration in the past is detected, does it not instantly take effect? Wouldn't that automatically alter the past and wouldn't that make the present where they detected the timequake an altered history?

Luckily, the movie doesn't really care about such things, and neither should we. After all, it's a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. La de da.

On with the wackiness: What's the deal with the Time Car? To go back in time, you've got to get in this tracked car in pairs (despite Mullethead constantly going back in time by himself). It shoots down this long track, toward a big keyhole, and ripples into the past where there suddenly is no Time Car and time travelers just stumble forward or fall out of the sky. To get back, you use this little gizmo about the size of my television's remote control. Why not just use that to go back in time? Ah, that's thinking again. With the car, there's an action figure vehicle you can sell to the kids.

While we're on the Time Car, there's a scene with Our Hero and Not Rae Dawn Chong ready to go into the past. He points out two red splotches on the far wall -- two Time Cops who didn't go back in time. Two problems with this. One, to sit in the Time Car, one person sits behind the other, not side by side. Two, blood dries brown.

As in all action movies, when the hero dispatches a villain, it's customary to throw out a bon mot. However, with Van Damme's accent, it's hard to tell exactly what he's saying. We're in a factory. Several signs that read "Warning: Extreme Cold" paper the walls. Sure enough, someone gets half flash frozen while fighting The Mussels from Brussels. Our Hero shatters the bad guy's right side while quipping, "Have an ice day," which sounds like "Have a nice day" no matter who says it, Belgian or not.

We also learn that if you go back in time and touch yourself, you'll be instantly computer morphed into a ruddy goo that just kind of dissolves. "The same matter can't occupy the same space," villainous Ron Silver says several times during the movie, foreshadowing with a ball peen hammer to the viewer's forehead how he'll most likely get his comeuppance.

As an aside, Ron Silver actually does a pretty good turn as the bad guy. In 1994, he's somewhat idealistic and smarmy. In 2004, he's just a ruthless bastard staging crimes in the past to finance his presidential campaign in the future. I think he played off himself well.

So then we jump back and forth through time so many times, the future has been changed, and it's up to Van Damme to put things right. In 1994, we get to see "Back to the Future II Lite" as Future Damme skirts around events that happened to Past Damme at the shopping mall and later at his home. One big gunfight later where we crawl all over a house, Future Damme and his wife are hanging off a rain gutter that's made out of titanium. It separates from the house but doesn't bend or break! I want some of those!

Now we're down to the final showdown, Future Damme against Future Ron Silver, who has placed a bomb in the house. Yes, as the red digital readout counts down, Future Damme wins by picking up on that "same matter can't occupy the same space" thing and kicks Future Ron into Past Ron! He picks up his wife, carries her outside, and outwalks the explosion that destroys the house.

We go back into the future, where Our Hero asks his captain about Ron Silver's character. His exact words: "He cancelled all his appointments and walked out of his office ten years ago. No one's seen him since." Come on! It's ten years later! How does he know that, right off the top of his head? Geez.

As the movie ends, we have followed Mullethead bounce back and forth from one reality to another and watch him come home to a nine year old son he's never seen. So now he has no memories of his son growing up. What a happy ending.

Scene to watch for: Future Ron Silver gets a scratch. Neat!

Best line: "Have an ice day." [kick]

Things that make you go "Huh?": (per Dave) Why do they need Temporal Police if only the Temporal Police can travel in time?