There's no way I can convey the spectacle that is "Voyage of the Rock Aliens." I could say that it's a combination beach party spoof/slasher spoof/rock musical. I could say that it contains 14 original songs, not one of which you've ever heard before. I could say that it stars Pia Zadora, the winner of the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actress of 1982 AND 1983. I could say that all this and more, and you still would have no idea how bad this movie is.

After the title appears, a ship shaped like a guitar comes crashing through it. On the ship, a robot named 1359 recites expository dialogue to himself for our convenience. We find out that the aliens on board the ship have become obsessed with finding the source of the rock music they keep hearing. The robot is searching the nearby planets.

On the first planet, Teldar, he finds only fuzzy animatronic creatures that apparently escaped from Chuck E. Cheese's. On the second, Malox, he finds people in formal dress waltzing. On the third, Acirema, he finds Jermaine Jackson and Pia Zadora! Then a random music video for the song "When the Rain Begins to Fall" (ever heard of it?) is awkwardly shoehorned into the movie.

Just when you're good and confused, Jermaine disappears, never to be seen again. 1359's computer tells him that the last choice is Earth but then adds that the next choice is 2,000 light years away. So the robot decides that they might as well visit Earth.

1359 defrosts the crew by taking half a dozen Ken dolls out of the refrigerator and putting them through a tube. Then the reconstituted, pink leather clad aliens pop out at the end. Of the six aliens, five are played by the members of the band Rhema (ever heard of them?). The sixth is played by a startlingly blond Tom Nolan. The aliens are named ABCD (that's Tom Nolan), EFGHI, JKLM, NOPQR, STUVWXYZ, and AEIOU. But their names are pronounced Absid, Effgie, Jacklum, Nupqueer, Stuvitz, and Ayu.

Meanwhile, in the small town of Speelburgh on the banks of Lake Eerie, we observe that Dee Dee (Pia Zadora) has trouble with her boyfriend Frankie (Craig Sheffer). Frankie won't let anyone sing with his band the Pack but himself. This is rather odd, because not once does Craig Sheffer actually sing with the Pack. He lip-synchs a few times but does it very badly. The musically inclined members of the Pack are played by the band "Jimmy and the Mustangs" (ever heard of them?).

The aliens arrive on Earth and hit the local teenage hangout, appropriately called "Local Teenage Hangout." This scene alternates between very funny and very bizarre, as the aliens try to figure out the purpose of napkin dispensers, sugar canisters, and straws. Meanwhile, Dee Dee sings a song in the ladies' room. Considering that we've heard half a dozen songs so far, this one wouldn't be very memorable except for its opening sequence, which involves underwear. I can't describe it, except to say that I've never seen anything more tacky.

When Dee Dee is finally finished singing and has been released from the freeze-frame imposed on her, ABCD falls in love with her at first sight. Then he blows up. The remaining aliens take him to the ship to put him back together. Then they go back to Earth and are invited to play at the high school dance that very evening.

We arrive at the dance, with Dee Dee determined to sing with the alien band in spite of Frankie's obnoxious attempts to forbid her to do anything of the sort. Why she remains with this slimeball is never made clear, unless it's the silver chain he wears wrapped around his upper thigh, or his perpetual shirtlessness.

Then we start the Duel of the Bands, with the Pack and the aliens facing off across the gym. Both bands play the same song but in their own distinctive way. The dancers, meanwhile, run back and forth between them, apparently the ficklest fans in the world. The kicker here is that the aliens play New Wave music, while the Pack plays rockabilly. They do not mix well.

Dee Dee sings with the aliens and then runs off with ABCD so they can walk along the lakeside by moonlight and fall in love. Dee Dee babbles about pollution, lawsuits, missiles, nuclear freeze-dry facilities, and her desire to be either a bomber pilot or a nun. ABCD confesses he's an alien, makes some strange whistling noises, and takes her to their ship. Pia Zadora attempts to express amazement and disbelief.

Then we get an explanation for the little silver dots pasted on the alien guys' foreheads. On their planet, everyone is required to have an "emolectomy" to remove emotions. ABCD explains that his makes things much easier at income tax time. Dee Dee, showing a shocking amount of naivete for a 34-year old high school student, wonders how the aliens can have sex without love. Over our guffaws, Dee Dee apparently realizes that she'd rather be with her old abusive human boyfriend than her new emotionless alien boyfriend. So she squeaks out an apology and runs away.

Frankie, meanwhile, tearfully confesses to Dee Dee's picture that he loved her all along and misses her terribly. Then he does a horrible, horrible job lip-synching to an awful, awful song. The song features someone's poor pet cougar wandering the school halls while Frankie mouths lyrics about the "nature of the beast" and the "keeper of the male persona." Ugh. I should note that the beast in question appears to be a paunchy old female.

Dee Dee returns to Frankie's arms, breaking ABCD's emotionless heart. Then the movie spares a few minutes to wrap up its numerous subplots. These include Dee Dee's best friend Diane's search for a boyfriend (preferably Dee Dee's), the pair of homicidal maniacs terrorizing Speelburgh, and the demented lady sheriff's obsession with capturing the aliens. And I haven't yet mentioned Lake Eerie's resident lake monster, either, which bleeds bubbles and deflates when cut.

Luckily, the aliens have some kind of an amazing computer (called the Rhemascan) controlled by a piano keyboard. ABCD uses it to tidy up Speelburgh, cleaning up the lake (prompting the lake monster to head off for Loch Ness), turning the rampaging Pack members into gay boy scouts and changing the sheriff to a surfer chick.

This movie was obviously intended to be a spoof of several genres of teen flicks, but so much of it is so incomprehensibly bad (or plain incomprehensible) that it transcends spoofery into outright bizarreness. Everything about it screams "80s!" as loudly as it can. The clothes, the music, the dancing -- I'm struck speechless just thinking about it.

Rating: five turkeys. But be warned: you must have a high tolerance for bad 80s music and dance numbers. If you can't stand 80s music, especially in its New Wave or rockabilly forms, knock two turkeys off the rating.

Scene to watch for: Far too many to choose from, but here's something that you might miss even on repeated viewing: In the scene where Frankie sits at a bar eating cherries and Dee Dee storms in to confront him, keep an eye on Dee Dee's feet. Very briefly, you can see a black and white cat come running onto the set and rub against her legs. Neither actor acknowledges the cat.

Best line: "Holy combine! His emolectomy -- it's failing!"

Things that make you go "Huh?": Why do the police have radioactive waste warning stickers on their shoulders?

Response From RinkWorks:

Oh no. Pia Zadora AND Jermaine Jackson??? Please, let the pain stop!