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It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

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Sorority House Massacre

Posted by: Valentine
Date Submitted: Thursday, June 29, 2000 at 22:04:27
Date Posted: Tuesday, September 5, 2000 at 07:25:48

Yes the title pretty much prepares you for what this movie is. Just another senseless, witless, tasteless bit of violent voyeurism into a sorority house populated by abnormally shaped college girls. All right, now that you're hooked, let's begin.

Since we all know what these movies are like, I'll just throw around some highlights, because the plot is self-explanatory.

- Main character Laura has huge amounts of dreams in which she relives repressed memories or something. The whole dream thing is fine, but I swear there is about forty minutes of it and only a half hour of the actual movie.

- Her brother is the killer, and he escapes from his maximum security insane asylum in one harrowing scene: he kills one orderly and then runs out the back door and out the open gate on the barbed wire fence. I mean, come on, the guy's a psychotic murderer -- maybe we should splurge on...oh, I dunno, LOCKED DOORS.

- The girls' collective boyfriends are the biggest bunch of nerds I have ever seen. From the ultra-short shorts to the De Niro Mini-me kinda guy, the fact that this movie suggests that these guys can get chicks is an insult to a nerd like me.

- One sorority girl, Tracy, is the biggest jerk ever. Laura, terrified from one of her twenty minute dream sequences screams in terror and Tracy says, "Hey, other people have to sleep around here, you know." And lo and behold, the sorority house used to be Laura's -- it's where her brother committed the grisly murders. When they find the knife he did it with, they put this piece of evidence on the mantel first, and then Tracy just tosses it into the fireplace. Yeah those murder weapons -- what a hassle.

- The girls and one surviving guy gets trapped in this upstairs room. The window is about maybe 20-30 feet off the ground, so they use a fire ladder to climb down. The one cannon fodder guy bites it, and the girls hide in the room some more. Then the killer JUMPS through the window. Who IS this guy? With a vertical like that, he should play in the NBA.

- The killer is also totally forgettable and unscary -- not as bad as the driller-killer from "Slumber Party Massacre" (he was five feet tall and old) but he looks like the bastard love child of Freddie Prinze Jr. and Captain Kangaroo.

That's about all the highlights. But now I want to address a very tiresome cliche of horror movies. If you ever get into a situation where you're being chased by a demented killer and you knock him down a flgiht of steps and he's unconscious, here's an idea: locate a blunt or bladed object and KILL HIM. Most horror movies would be over in half an hour if anyone was remotely intelligent. You don't climb over the killer's unconscious body. You go get a brick and bash his skull in. You don't push him out the window only to discover him missing moments later, you push your dresser down on top of him to make sure he's dead.

Rating: 3 turkeys.

Best line: "Hey you! AAAAAA."


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