It's hard to believe Sharon Stone is capable of the kind of knock-'em-dead performance she delivered in "Casino" after watching this early-career nightmare. Stone has made a post-"Basic Instinct" career out of stealing movies from her more "respected" co-stars, even when she's got the worst-written role (just watch the hideous "Sphere" for further proof). This is because Stone always seems to be the only one who's in on the joke. In "Mines," however, she IS the joke.

Stone stars as the most unbelievable archeology student you've ever seen ("These markings! They're Canaanite!"), who hires Richard Chamberlain as Allan Quatermain (the most unbelievable Indiana Jones knock-off you've ever seen) to help her find her kidnapped archeologist father. There is much forced verbal parry-and-thrust between the two, so you know the script is going to demand that they fall in love. Stone, however, the sexiest movie star never to generate any chemistry with her male leads, immediately destroys any chance of flying sparks, even though she breathlessly pants "Quatermain!" every inch of the way.

Since this is a movie ripped-off -- I mean, was inspired by -- Indiana Jones, there are plenty of Nazi gasbags and corrupt Arabians to foil our heroes at every turn. The Nazis have kidnapped Stone's father, forcing him (in some hilarious torture scenes) to give them a map to the lost mines. Stone, of course is kidnapped by Arabians, and causes a full-scale street riot just by rolling out of a carpet (don't ask).

However, she and Chamberlain corner the last Arabian to see her father and try extracting information from the dude with lines like, "Where is my father, you cheap-suited camel jockey?" When you realize it is tireless liberal activist Sharon Stone saying these lines, you'll never get your equilibrium back. They find a map to the mines, and FINALLY the plot starts rolling.

They hit the road with an African guide (who wears a cheesy leopard skin toga straight out of "One Million Years B.C.") and try yet again for chemistry. They fail, of course, so to keep the action going, they try to stop a train carrying the Nazis and Stone's dad. They must jump on the moving train (but not before Sharon, stating the obvious, says "It's not stopping!" about twenty times), and Stone vamps the Nazis while Chamberlain sings a chorus of "Camptown Races" for them. Did I mention that this movie makes no sense?

They literally crash into those sadistic Nazis, who are gleefully torturing Stone's father, and manage, somehow (with the help of the worst editing ever), to kill a few Nazis, detach their train car from the convoy, and rescue papa. He tells Stone and Chamberlain to go ahead and look for the mines without him, and they presumably leave him to hail a cab in the the middle of the African savannah.

They come upon a German landing strip (again, in the middle of the African savannah), and Stone (again) vamps a Nazi as Chamberlain knocks him out. They steal a plane, but Sharon doesn't know how to drive it, so Chamberlain, hanging onto the wing, tells her, straight-faced, that the throttle is "Right there between your legs! Pull on it!" Another Nazi shoots up their plane, which leads to the weirdest line reading ever from Stone: "There's a lot of smoke coming out the back, and there's some brown goop leaking out the side!" You need to hear the sing-song, drunken way she says this to get the full effect.

They crash the plane, get captured by cannibals, and thrown in a huge boilin' pot full of fake vegetables. (I wasn't aware they could grow cucumbers, tomatoes, and carrots in darkest Africa, but what the hell?) Before they take the plunge, our Sharon screams, "I don't want to die with dignity!" Was she talking as her character, or about her own career at this point? Suffice to say that if you're in a pot full of plastic vegetables with Richard Chamberlain in a low-rent Indiana Jones flick, there really isn't a high dignity quotient to be had.

Chamberlain's big idea is to knock the pot back and forth until it rolls out of the fire, and, of course, it works. (This scene has to be seen to be believed.) When the pot stops rolling at the bottom of the hill, Chamberlain assumes this is a perfect time to hit on Stone. "Has anyone ever told you that you look ravishing with onions in your hair?" is the line that Stone finds irresistable. They kiss. We snooze.

More cannibals appear and rig up Chamberlain to be lowered slowly, slowly into a pond full of alligators. Stone pleads for Chamberlain's life ("Please don't kill him! I love him!"), but apparently the tribal priestess doesn't believe her anymore than we do. Chamberlain, of course, cuts himself loose, and they escape (even though every one of the, oh, 10,000 cannibals is carrying a spear).

FINALLY they get back on the road but take time out to visit a native tribe who (in the dumbest part of a really dumb movie) swing upside down from the trees because, according to tribal expert Chamberlain, they are unhappy with the way the world is right-side-up. Ok.... Anyway, the natives make a, um, "diamond" crown for Stone ("Maybe they've never seen a white woman before.") and help our heroes find the entrance to the mines. On the way in to get the treasure, the Nazis get stuck in quicksand, one lost Arabian gets chomped by a giant spider so ridiculous-looking it would make Ed Wood blush, and Stone (yet again) gets kidnapped by cannibals. Instead of just tossing her into the lava river running through the mountain, they rig her up to some bizarre contraption as they slowly, slowly lower a red-hot rock on top of her, waiting just long enough for Chamberlain to find her and toss THEM into the lava river.

Just when you think your eyes are going to stick in the back of your head from rolling so much, everyone FINALLY converges on the treasure. Alas, we get more low-rent Indiana Jones as a spiked ceiling closes down on our heroes, and water starts filling up the room. Stone swallows a bug, professes her undying love for Chamberlain, and apparently found time to put her hair up. (Did I mention the editing in this movie?) They escape, with Stone's shorts getting shorter as each scene passes, and get away from the mines with one diamond apiece as the Nazi gasbag gets eaten by another cheesy monster. Whew!

There is a sequel to this fabulously awful flick, but don't bother -- it's deathly dull. This one is the real deal, even at a time when all those Indiana Jones rip-offs were a dime-a-dozen. It may be a lot of things, but with all the not-quite-special effects, laughable dialogue, over-the-top acting, and the knowledge that Stone would go on to be one of Hollywood's premier leading ladies, "King Solomon's Mines" is never dull.

Rating: 4 turkeys.

Scene to watch for: Stone, in the plane, doing her sing-song line reading.

Best line: Stone, when they are in the pot full of vegetables and boiling water: "Did you find a door?"