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It's a Bad, Bad, Bad, Bad Movie

Reader Review

Sinbad of the Seven Seas

Posted by: Issachar
Date Submitted: Monday, March 15, 1999 at 07:19:03
Date Posted: Monday, March 15, 1999 at 08:00:59

Okay, on Saturday my wife and I sat down to watch this film over dinner. I was a little worried about possibly disappointing Jacqueline and wasting part of her evening on a bad movie, and while the FBI warning made its obligatory appearance, I was saying things like, "This movie had better be as bad as it's supposed to be," and "I hope there aren't any good actors in this film."

_Sinbad_ did not disappoint. About halfway through the movie I began to wonder exactly what the film's intended audience could have possibly been. The overacting and ridiculous dialogue could have been forgivable if it had clearly been made as a kids' movie, but then there were a couple of mild swears and some scantily-dressed Amazon women that earned the film a PG-13 rating. The only suitable audience for this amazing stinker is, really, the David J. Parkers of the world. Actually, you don't even have to be a bad movie lover per se to get a good evening's entertainment from _Sinbad_.

Stuff that Dave left out of his review:

* The entire soundtrack, including all musical effects such as eerie music, is performed by a single person with a synthesizer. I haven't ever heard such a cheesy, eighties soundtrack before.

* Lou Ferrigno evidently hasn't changed his hair style in a long, long time. Possibly not since his days as the "Hulk."

* During the first couple of fights, Sinbad whips his sword out of its sheath and immediately flings it on the ground behind him. If he doesn't need it, why not just keep it sheathed?

* The voice-over narration is as bad as advertised in Dave's review. One of its features is that every character's name is preceded by two adjectives, such as "the beautiful and pure Princess Alena," or "the brave and mighty Sinbad." Jaffar's contract requires that he always be referred to as "Jaffar, the satanic wizard of all that is evil."

* If it appeared in any other movie, the narration would have political-correctness people everywhere up in arms at its treatment of "Poochie the Dwarf," with phrases like, "Little Poochie, with courage many times his size...."

* Sinbad meets a young, athletic girl who is marooned on an island with her eccentric-genius-inventor father, who can only speak some form of Pidgin English, a series of excited squeals and stutters with a few real words mixed in and plenty of hand gestures. Sinbad and the girl head off to defeat the evil muck-monster, leaving her worried father behind. As they exit the house, Sinbad, who up to this point has had difficulty with some of the more complex phrases in his own native tongue, suddenly leans in toward the girl's father and delivers a sharp burst of similar sqeaks and stutters. It's so sudden and ridiculous that I had to get up and rewind the tape to watch it again. Does this mean that Sinbad is able to speak the guy's language? The outburst has a calming effect on the father, but whenever he speaks, Sinbad has to get his daughter to translate. What the heck is Sinbad doing? Making fun of the guy?

There's SO much more that could be said. I'm definitely going to get some friends together and rent this movie again. It should have great replay value. What's more, this is just about the first time I've ever actually wanted to be *in* a movie. Playing in _Sinbad of the Seven Seas_ would definitely be just about the most fun experience I can imagine. Who cares if you can't act? No one else in the entire cast can, either--just get into the groove of hanging around with a bunch of body-builder and Ming the Merciless types trying to make a fantasy movie and have a good time.

Iss "oh, one more thing--the Samurai doesn't usually use a sword in combat, but he could probably impale a few baddies with his hairdo" achar

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