Showgirls (1995)

There are not enough synonyms for the word "bad" in the English language to allow an adequate description of Showgirls. This is, beyond a doubt and without reservation, the worst movie I have ever seen. There isn't a single likeable character in this movie. There isn't a single scene that leaves you with anything better than a vague sense of discomfort after viewing it -- and most of them inspire active anger and pain. I watched this movie with my girlfriend one night during a free HBO preview she got from her cable company, so at least I can honestly say that I didn't put a single dime in the pockets of either Paul "Violence Rules!" Verhoeven or Joe "Every Script I've Ever Written SUCKS!" Eszterhas.

Some people have tried to tell me that this movie is a scathing commentary on American culture. Well, maybe that's what it tried to be, but what it actually is is a scathing commentary on the libidos and frat boy mentality of Paul and Joe. "Huh huh, lets put in a fat chick whose boobs pop out of her top!" says Joe. "Huh huh, yeah, that's killer!" says Paul. "Don't forget we need more violence!" What were these guys on?

The movie centers around "innocent" Nomi Malone (played by Elizabeth Berkley -- I haven't been able to watch Saved by the Bell since) and her rise to the top of the Las Vegas showgirl scene. She uses every dirty trick and underhanded technique in the book (including shoving the star down a flight of steps) to get ahead, and yet she does it all with a look of such wide-eyed innocence that we're supposed to like her for it. Uh huh. She progresses from being a stripper in a sleazy club to being the star in a sleazy Vegas stage show. Yay. I'm psyched for her now. Everyone is mean and nasty to her except for her friend Molly, for whom she sets up a date with a famous singer. The guy viciously rapes her, just to prove to the audience that Paul and Joe have no limits when it comes to pointless and senseless violence. Whee.

There is absolutely nothing in this movie worth seeing. Even if you just want to be titillated by the nudity, don't bother. It isn't remotely titillating -- it's just there. I won't even bother to do my usual end quotes, because there were no scenes to watch for, no lines worth listening for, and the only thing that made me go "Huh?" was why this movie was ever made.